I watched The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies over my winter break. It was a bit ridiculous. I walked away feeling…confused? unsatisfied? aggravated? I don’t know. I’m still processing it, which is why I’ve decided to take this opportunity to write my own review.
Before I do so, I do have a few disclaimers. First, I’ve never read The Hobbit. Weird right because it seems like I would be really into that based on my history (see blogs The Long Ways Around Addiction and Magical Instruction for reference). I just started reading The Lord of the Rings trilogy for the first time this month and am halfway through The Two Towers (so…many…songs). I didn’t know about them until I saw the first movie, which made me want to read the books, but at the time (I was in middle school, I think), I couldn’t get through Tolkien’s dry writing, so I stopped. Second, my reactions to the first two Hobbits varied. I was delighted by the first one. I thought it was fun. I fell asleep during the second one. It seems like I didn’t miss much. Smaug was definitely the highlight.
I decided to watch the third film because it had a battle, so if nothing else, it would be cool, and I wanted to know the fates of the dwarves. (By the way, if you want to see a very attractive Thorin, watch the miniseries North & South. You can find it via Netflix. It was my first encounter with Richard Armitage, and I’ve been devoted ever since. Also, I will refer to Fili and Kili as the cute dwarves because I can never remember which one is which, and that’s how I distinguish them from the others.) Anyway, one of my good friends decided to go to the theater to see The Hobbit with me. She’s been a Tolkien fan and has read The Simarillion and everything, so she acted as my Tolkien scholar. Her dad also came with us because he’s a fan. He enjoyed the film.
If you plan to see the movie and don’t want me to give things away, I recommend you stop reading now. ***SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!***
Here are my thoughts:
1. This is supposed to be The Hobbit, but where was Bilbo? It says something about a film if the main character takes the backburner. My understanding is that the book is about Bilbo’s journey in finding the ring. My friend says you don’t even really experience the battle in the book. In order to solve that problem, the filmmakers essentially take Bilbo away by knocking him unconscious for most of the battle. Oops.
2. I spent most of the movie trying to figure out who the 5th army was. That’s not good. You got the dwarves, the men, the elves, and the orcs, but that’s only four. We later find out that there’s a secret army of orcs that come attack. Is that the 5th one? But there’s also another dwarf army, technically. I’m confused.
3. Is it just me or have Orlando Bloom and Lee Pace’s elven stares of intensity become more elven stares of constipation?
That’s right, Thranduil. Push the dookie out.
4. Why do the eagles always arrive late to battles? Seriously. Are they the 5th army? I’ve learned from The Lord of the Rings movies that the eagles basically make or break a battle. They always save the day at the last moment, but must they always procrastinate? Eagles are clutch.
5. Tauriel. Oh, Tauriel. And the female characters in general. You know what, I need a few paragraphs for this one.
Tauriel is a character created for the movies to add some femininity to this boys club. Let me first say that I appreciate that. I appreciate how Peter Jackson added more for the female characters to do in the film versions of Tolkien’s books. For example, Arwen actually speaks in the movies whereas in the books she merely looks pretty over to the side. She remains an object. Galadriel is pretty badass in the films. She has an awesome fight in the third Hobbit, actually. That was cool to see. In the books, she is one of the female characters who has the most lines, but she’s still just a beautiful woman. Yes, there’s Eowen who is the warrior princess and kills the witch king in The Return of the King, but even then, she needs a half-man, Merry, to help her. This somewhat changes in the movie, but her main deal is to act as the third side of the love triangle that is Arwen, Aragorn, and Eowen, even in the films.
So I was excited to learn that Galadriel would make an appearance, and that there was a new character of a elf warrior maiden named Tauriel, played by Evangeline Lily. But I have to say, Peter Jackson, that I was disappointed. In The Battle of the Five Armies, Galadriel saves Gandalf, banishing Sauron to the depths of Mordor where he reappears for Frodo later on, but still. She does that all by herself. Yet, she immediately weakens from this task, and of all people, Saruman, tells Elrond to take her to recover in Lothlorien, where she remains passive for a century. So super powerful Galadriel has been demoted by two males.
Then there’s Tauriel, who comes across as a badass she-elf, but ends up being merely the love interest to one of the cute dwarves (Fili? Kili?) Not only that, she’s the love interest for Legolas, who defies his father because he lurrrrves her just so damn much. In the midst of the battle, she desperately tries to find her love-dwarf, only to see him stabbed by an orc. She fights the orc in rage, and I think, “You go, girl! You kill that orc!” But no, she can’t do it herself and needs Kili (or Fili?) to injure the orc before his dying breath. Then because she’s so overcome with grief, she lacks the strength to finish off the job.
Come on, Tauriel. Get your shit together and kill the friggin orc you’ve been fighting for hours.
But no. She can’t. Legolas needs to do it for her, basically defying gravity in his elfen agility to prove his love to Tauriel by saving her life. Then in response, as she cradles the dwarf’s body, Tauriel cries, “If this is love, I don’t want it!” I know, Tauriel. Why does it hurt so much?
You know what, I don’t care. You were supposed to be this badass warrior she-elf, and yet, you let your identity be dictated by the males around you. THE DWARF DOES NOT DEFINE YOU, TAURIEL!
So thank you, Peter Jackson, for deceiving us into thinking that you would defy Hollywood stereotypes of female characters. I think I’ll stick with the previous films and leave The Hobbit behind.
And because it never gets old…
thelongwayaroundmylife 